Controlling behaviour
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR
Science or perception?
One of the biggest complaints people have against each other is about being controlled. BUT, is it really controlling behaviour or is it ‘perceived’ controlling behaviour? Some will say if you feel that you are being controlled then you are, indeed, being controlled. Others will say that it is not an exact science but perception. For example, if someone has had a controlling parent they might then see ‘controlling’ behaviour in others which may or may not actually exist. Conversely, they might be so used to being controlled but they will subconsciously choose someone who has these attributes. The subconscious mind likes familiarity and will seek to keep the momentum in different relationships.
Emotional Awareness
The emotionally intelligent person might have the awareness to try to avoid the pattern and deliberately set out to look for passive people who show no signs of controlling behaviour. this is where is gets very deep and complicated because a war of will has begun between the conscious and the sup-conscious. Q:Who will win? A: The stronger of the two.
Controlling behaviour can be learned, copied or genetical.
- Usually as a result of experiences.
- One or another parents models the behaviour
- In our DNA
Men and women perceive ‘controlling behaviour’ in different ways.
Men will say that they are not being controlling, but rather that they are being caring and looking after someone. I have noticed that, in therapy, a man will often not recognise that his partner thinks he is being controlling. He will say, ‘I am being helpful.’ Those who are being unreasonably controlling will either not see it or will not admit it.
A man may say, ‘Wear that dress tonight,’ thinking that he wants her to show off her beauty because he is very proud of her and wants her to be admired and appreciated. She, however, might think, ‘Why can’t I wear what I want instead of him wanting to control me just because he wants to be envied by others?’
Communicate with each other and simply say what is on your mind.
What woman see as controlling:
- Not having choices
- Being manipulated or bullied into submission
- Being told what to do or what to wear.
- Not being ‘allowed’ to choose or have friends
- Being made to feel guilty over have some leisure or ‘me’ time.
- Unfair criticisms
- Being influenced against family
I understand you’re saying that’s fine but I’m completely confused about what to do and how to behave with my partner. The simple solution is to ask her open-ended questions like “I’m really confused. You say it’s okay to go out with my mates but then you sulk when I do. What do you really want?”
Communication is always to answer and if you can communicate you can resolve all issues, one way or another even if it means agreeing to differ.
