Child Sexual Abuse:

There is no standard definition of ‘child sexual abuse’. The government within each country defines ‘child sexual abuse’ within its child protection guidelines:

England

“Involves forcing or enticing a child or young person to take part in sexual activities, not necessarily involving a high level of violence, whether or not the child is aware of what is happening.”

“The activities may involve physical contact, including assault by penetration (for example, rape or oral sex) or non-penetrative acts such as masturbation, kissing, rubbing and touching outside of clothing. They may also include non-contact activities, such as involving children in looking at, or in the production of, sexual images, watching sexual activities, encouraging children to behave in sexually inappropriate ways, or grooming a child in preparation for abuse (including via the internet).”

“Sexual abuse is not solely perpetrated by adult males. Women can also commit acts of sexual abuse, as can other children.”

(HM Government, 2015)

www:Stopitnow.org.uk

 

 

Preface

This article has been written with the intention of helping ‘victims’ and their close ones to understand and come to terms with the devastation and destruction that sexual abuse can create not just in childhood but also in adulthood.

My writing is based solely on personal experience and those of my thousands of clients who survived childhood sexual abuse.

I have worked as a private psychotherapist/counsellor and Family Mediator for thirty-five years, seventeen of which were working for Relate. My specialisms are family relationships including psychosexual therapy and sexual abuse. My work involves individuals, couples, families and children/youths.

No names or identifying details are disclosed in order to protect the innocent and maintain confidentiality.

For simplicity I will refer to the abused as the ‘victim’ and the perpetrator as the ‘abuser’.

As a survivor of ‘a stranger’ sexual abuse I feel very strongly about the subject and the complete injustice and ignorance of our judicial system. It would be my dream to reinvent the whole structure of dealing with sex offenders so that justice is done and the victim is NOT treated as the offender. I do not believe that we can wipe out the criminal behaviour of abuse, partly because many abusers do not acknowledge or accepted that they have abused. However, I do think that by using the media we can expose the full, raw and horrifying extent of what the repercussions of abuse can result in.

I believe that sexual abuse has been prevalent throughout the ages but access to children was somewhat limited to family, friends and on occasion strangers. The sad fact is that we are now experiencing different variations of abuse via social media which is something that knows no bounds – a paedophiles dream! Access to children is beyond imagination and every day I am seeing more and more young people who have fallen victim of the lightning speed of disseminated pictures, videos and information being passed around to millions; the repercussions of which are driving our teenage suicide figures to alarming rates.

Introduction

Based on my work I have compiled this small booklet to help people, men and women and their families alike, who have been primary and secondary victims of sexual abuse.

I have found that a lot of people who have been sexually abused are sometimes more traumatised by the aftermath. By this I mean family’s horrific negative reactions; disbelief and questioning of the family and police; undergoing humiliating medical investigations; lack of support, understanding or compassion; and particularly courtroom dramas and so on.

When sexual abuse occurs there is always the obvious victim but what most people seem to overlook is that there are actually many victims (secondary): Partners, children, parents, siblings, friends, everyone around them is touched in some way or another. It’s a bit like dropping a pebble into a pond and watching the ripple effect spreading outwards.

TRIGGERS:   These are reminders in adulthood of childhood experiences of trauma (sometimes thought of as ‘associations’ which can be triggered through smell, touch, taste, hearing, seeing and feelings).

• Getting into a loving relationship, usually for the first time.
• Abusive relationship
• Sex
• Rough sex
• Getting married and taking on ‘responsibilities.
• Pregnancy – realizing the true value and responsibilities of having a vulnerable little person
• Childbirth – Trauma of childhood can hook into past traumas

Postnatal Depression – I believe that a large percentage of women who do experience PND do so because of triggers due to past trauma or struggles (often because becoming a parent change perceptions and beliefs).

• Loss or bereavement – Realising the fact that we are all fragile and as such dispensable. Again, association with loss (of childhood) or trauma.
• Separation – reminder of being alone with a terrible ‘secret’.
• Flash backs – Reminders of past experience
• Their own child reaches the age that they were when the abuse occurred. – Association; making comparison to our own childhood and rekindling bad experiences causing fear for their own child.
• Association; partner smelling, feeling or looking like the abuser; touching the same place or in the same way that the abuser did.
• Reality time – At the time of the abuse it can feel ‘normal’ but when becoming an adult the reality is that it was abuse.

 

 

COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS THAT VICTIMS ASK THEMSELVES:

 Why me?

I got an erection so am I gay? – Usually when victims have been abused by same sex abusers.

Why did I enjoy it?

Am I bad?

What did I do or say to make this happen?

Will I be believed?

Was it my fault?

Am I ‘normal’?

Will people know?

What will happen if others find out?

I may go to jail or be put into an institution?

Probably my family will hate me.

Would my parents be taken from me?

Is it normal?

Will my friends be ‘doing it’?

 

Others may ask?

How can you still love an abuser?

It is possible to love and hate someone at the same time?

(People are not usually bad people they are often good people who do bad things.) In addition, abusers are very cleaver at manipulating (seducing) and therefore making others feel very special, loved and wanted.

Why disclose now, after all these years?

People often feel that they, themselves, have done something wrong; they feel that they may have caused it; they don’t want to cause trouble or split up the family; they don’t want recrimination or they may not actually realize at that time that they have been abused.

 

Why didn’t s/he tell someone when it happened?

Children can feel that they are very powerless; not believed; shame; guilt, fear, being labelled, the list is endless.

 

Why, after they have been sexually abused, do they sometimes become promiscuous?

This can be a kind of disrespect for themselves; a way of abusing themselves (self harm); acting out; being in control; getting revenge by ‘using’ men or women.

 

Why do they go off sex?

Because the association is too painful and traumatic; some people have ‘flash-backs’ and will think that they actually see the abuser’s face before them.

 

SYMPTOMS OF ABUSE IN CHILDREN: (The following may also be symptomatic of a child who has not experienced abuse).

• Bed-wetting
• Aggression
• Running away from home
• Underachieving or overachieving at school
• Stealing – usually a cry for help.
• Weepy
• Don’t want to be alone with a certain person.
• Don’t want mother or father to go out of the house.
• Don’t want a particular person to babysit them.
• Bully or be bullied.
• Withdrawal
• Re-victimisation – a belief that once a victim always a victim thus becoming submissive and accepting of ‘their fate’ and sadly may become a target for bullies.
• Depression – Feeling hopeless amongst many other feeling.
• Self-harming and possible suicidal thoughts– can be a release from emotional pain or cannot see any way of escaping their predicament.

 

 Symptoms of sexual abuse displayed in adulthood:

(The following may also be normal actions of an adult who was NOT abused)

 

• Flashbacks
• Can’t make relationships work.
• Thinking that they will make a poor parent
• Dare not become too close to anyone.
• Become overprotective of children.
• Feelings of guilt
• Suicide or self-harm
• OCD
• Low self worth.
• Self-loathing
• Anorexia or bulimia
• Stress
• Cannot trust anyone to look after the children.
• Sometimes, cannot trust any man/woman, including their partners.
• Nervous breakdown
• Affair, divorce or separation
• Promiscuity
• Sexual frigidity or celibacy
• Anger outbursts
• Sexual preoccupation
• Depression

 

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.

Try not to do anything at all which reminds you of the perpetrator; association can be a very strong influencer.

Don’t be afraid to see help from a reputable, qualified, specialist counsellor or Psychosexual Therapist.

 

‘NORMAL’ FEELINGS TOWARDS A PARTNER

• Anger or rage
• Depression
• Rejection
• Fear
• Control
• Co-dependency
• OCD
• Split feelings of love and hate at the same time.
• Resentment
• Jealousy
• Betrayal
• Torn loyalties
• Guilt

 

 

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES IT CAN BE NORMAL TO:

• be aroused by your abuser?
  • The sexual organs are very sensitive and will respond to stimulation automatically. We were designed that way as a normal process in which to reproduce. The sexual organs occupy a large part of our brain in response to sexual touch.
• to hate or distrust all men/women.
  • Childhood is where we learn trust and if it is broken it can create trust issues in adulthood.
• be very angry with a parent for not noticing what had happened.
  • Yes it is normal to be angry because you feel that your parent should have noticed that you have been abused but in reality it is extremely difficult to second guess a child because they have become quiet or angry. However, parents who have experienced childhood abuse will be much more sensitive to their child’s responses.
• lose temper or suddenly explode.
  • This usually happens if grieving hasn’t taken place and the issue is left unresolved. Victims usually want justice if not revenge and if this doesn’t happens thy can get ‘stuck’. Like a cancer it can eat away. Counselling is recommended to help enable you to’ let go’.
• become promiscuous .
  • Yes, this can be a means of abusing their partner because of the garner association.  Some victims will
  • self-harm as a means of self-flagellation, usually seeded in guilt. Some do it as a means of control as opposed to being out of control like they were as a child.

 

•  feel murderous towards the abuser.
  • I think it would take a very special person not to feel that way, as childhood has been and will be affected in adulthood. I have counselled thousands of people who needed help to release their anger and hatred but once they do their lives will change for the better.

 

• To feel confused between love and hate for their abuser.
  • Dependent on whom the abuser is, relationships can become very ambivalent.  Clients have expressed many times that they don’t know how to feel towards their ‘parent’ abuser because it challenges their belief system that, ‘you have to love your parents’.  Some can be very loving and dutiful and often favouring their victim to their siblings that can make them feel very ‘special’.

 

MYTHS

• Abusers inevitably become abusers.
• Once a victim, always a victim.
• Talk about it and it will ‘completely’ disappear. It helps to talk and the pain will ease but there will always be a scar.
• Don’t talk about it and it will ‘go away’.
• My child is OK because s/he is ‘getting on with it’. BUT, parents should be aware that the child, who is behaving as though nothing has happened, might well be the child who is not able to cope or accept the truth.
• My child is NOT OK because s/he is behaving badly.

It is probably the child’s way of saying ‘Look at me, I’m hurting and I don’t know how to deal with it’ Children are very good at pretending

• Children are resilient and they will soon forget.

Some do for many years until something triggers a memory or they become ‘ready’ to deal with it. Also, things change shape when looking at it through adult’s eyes.

 

FACTS

• YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (my own research when I was working for Relate revealed that 80% of my clients had experienced some kind of sexual abuse in childhood, bearing in mind that victims will be more inclined to seek help from a counsellor.) National figures will differ but the figures are still  staggering!
• Some children would rather put up with the abuse rather than split up the family.
• Children fear that they won’t be believed; that something horrible will happen to them or the rest of the family if they disclose abuse. (abusers make all sorts of threats to secure their ‘secret’)
• Some children are convinced that it is ‘normal’.
• Some children are made to believe that they ‘deserve’ to be abused.
• There is a real fear of ‘causing trouble’ or being reprimanded or worse.
• Children often become very secretive about their abuse.
• It’s not unusual for children to blame themselves
• Because children may be feeling confused and afraid, they are often very angry with their parents.
• Children often feel threatened that the parent will leave home.
• Often children are disbelieved, even punished for saying ‘such a thing’ or ‘lying’.
• Sometimes children have difficulties saying how they feel and may express this by being violent towards their siblings or school friends.
• Children will tell you all kinds of things through other means than talk. They may draw pictures that indicate their feelings or play ‘pretend’ games. Act out. Watch carefully and you may learn a lot.
• Children sometimes regress, i.e. bed-wet, fall behind at school, revert back to thumb sucking, or seek some other ‘comforter’.
• Some self- harm (look for marks on the body eg. cuts or burns on arms, legs etc).

 

 

FOR PARENTS OF ABUSED CHILDREN

• Listen to what is being said, or just as importantly, what is not being said, even though you may not want to believe what you are hearing or deal with the implications. Under these circumstances, CHILDREN COME FIRST!!
• Never use the word ‘SECRET’  – This may have traumatic repercussions for the child as the abuser may well have used it.
• If a child says that they do not want to go to a certain person’s house or see a certain person there may be a very good reason for it.
• Children will often lie to protect the guilty because they don’t want the repercussions.
• Children rarely lie about abuse except to say that it didn’t happen.
• Don’t get angry about the disclosure.
• Look for changes in behaviour.
• Look out for ‘knowing’ behaviour – ‘acting out’.
• Watch the body language.
• Abused children may quickly become ‘grown-up’ or regress backwards.
• Don’t put words into the victim’s mouth.  Just listen and do not ask questions. Call in the Social Services or the Police and they will know how to handle it.
• Don’t take any chances and choose your babysitters very carefully.
• Believe your children as they rarely lie about abuse. Your child may not like the perpetrator, but it does not mean that it did not happen.
• Be vigilant when introducing a new partner into the family.
• Abusers are sometimes very charming and ‘good parental figures’ and convince others that they are beyond all capabilities of being an abuser.
• Look out for unusual behaviour of your partner ie. Leaving the bedroom in the evening.
• Get support from where ever you can and learn about what your child has been through.
• Consult a qualified and experienced counsellor if you need help to deal with your emotions. Its ok to cry IT IS NORMAL for both men and women to express painful feelings. The pain for parents when their child has been abused is extremely traumatic.
• Try to deal with the trauma by keeping everything as regular and normal as possible
• Be sensitive to your children’s feelings.  Listen to them. Ask them what they need from you and reassure them that it wasn’t their fault.
• Allow your child’s feelings to be expressed.
• Don’t make them recount their experience as this could re-traumatise them, leave it to the experts or you may jeopardise a potential court case.
• Remember that the antidote to resentment is forgiveness.

 

NOTE TO THE VICTIMS

• REMEMBER……..YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
• IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT! You did nothing to provoke it.
• It is not your responsibility – you were the child.
• You are not responsible for the breakdown of a family – THE ABUSER IS.  They make a choice to do what they know is wrong and are aware of the consequences.

I recommend writing a (never to be sent) letter to the abuser or anyone else that you are angry or sorry with and tell them how you are feeling and really vomit that anger or sorrow onto the paper. You can use whatever expletives you want. Just try to let go of those painful feelings then rip it up into tiny pieces and burn it, if it is safe to do so. you may need to repeat this exercise two or three times but it is worth it. It works by giving you cathartic relief.

Another exercise is to think about is to write down the answers to the following:

• How am I feeling now about what happened?

 

• What am I going to do if I need help?

 

• How might my partner be feeling? Additionally, how does it affect our relationship, particularly sexually

 

• How might my children be feeling about what happened? How does it affect your relationship with them?

 

• How do I and the rest of my family communicate?

 

• How do we all express our feelings?

 

• How does our behaviour affect those around us?

 

• What do we need to do to improve this situation?