How Can I Tell That My Partner Is Having An Affair?

 

 

‘Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive’.                     Sir Walter Scott

 

PREFACE

The following is purely experiential, based on 34years counselling people who are having or have had affairs. Therefore, any statistics or opinions quoted are my own.

 

WHAT IS AN AFFAIR?

Affairs are relationships outside of marriage or intimate partnerships where an illicit, romantic or sexual relationship or passionate attachment occurs.

Affairs are commonly described as; infidelity, cheating, adultery, a mistake, one-off, extramarital affairs, a fling, dalliance, affairs of the heart, an indiscretion, meaningless act and many more expressions.

It is important to remember that infidelity exists on a continuum and there are many forms of cheating, for example, sexting, kissing, meeting in secret, sexual touching, intercourse, being in love with another, to name but a few but what is most important is your definition of infidelity and the boundaries and expectations you set within your relationship.

As a senior, relationship specialist counsellor I am often asked, ‘what is the worst problem you work with?’  I could answer; loss of a child; sexual abuse and many more unimaginable things but if I were asked, ‘what is the most complex issue’ then, being torn between two lovers would come pretty well near the top.

When someone loves their partner and their lover at the same time the result can be extremely painful and traumatic. There is often unbearable guilt, shame, happiness, sadness and lots of other mixed emotions experienced and often an intense pressure to make one of the biggest decisions in their lives; to stay in the relationship or to leave their partner and often their children. I have known people who have had suicidal feelings because the pressure became too great.

It goes without saying that the pain inflicted on the betrayed can be unbearable. The most fundamental impact for the victim of an affair is betrayal, rejection, lies and a complete loss of trust which can result in divorce or separation. However, it is not inevitable and affairs need not signify the end of a relationship.  Affairs are often a ‘flag’ to indicate that something is too difficult to resolve or an escapism to slip into another world and leave the problem behind.  An alternative escapism could be to resort to gambling, alcohol, obsessive exercise, drugs; all usually a means of not facing up to reality.

Of course the best way to avoid getting into an affair in the first place is to be open and honest with your partner. Communicate what is concerning you.  If you cannot resolve it yourselves then it is sensible to seek the help of a qualified couple’s counsellor who will help you to communicate what is really not working in the relationship.

I have noticed that, generally, if a person has an affair in the beginning of a committed relationship it is much more likely to happen again. If an affair happens after many years it is usually a one-off.

 

IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE FOR A PERSON TO LOVE TWO PEOPLE CONCURRENTLY?

It is possible for us to love all of our children but we love them for different reasons and so it can be with romantic relationships.   Indeed I have known people who say that they love several people concurrently.  One person explained that neither her partner or lover is perfect but combine each of their positive qualities and they make the perfect person, thus all of her needs are fulfilled. Commonly known as, ‘Having one’s cake and eating it’.

A person can love their partner because they are the perfect ‘friend’ but sex might be missing. Taking another partner to satisfy their sexual needs completes him.

Some people feed off the exhilaration of the hormone Oxytocin which is produced by sexual contact. Once the Oxytocin diminishes (around one to two years) the relationship may end. For people addicted to the hormone rush, which is similar to an addiction to drugs, another affair may be a focus.

 

WHY ARE PEOPLE UNFAITHFUL?

 The common excuse for a man taking a lover is that his partner is sexually neglectful and a woman would say that she is emotionally neglected. Many people will say that they do not know why they strayed.  However, there are many other reasons why people cheat on their partners and without doubt it is a lack of communication  that may be the reason why solvable matters don’t get resolved -if you can talk about it, you can resolve it, one way or another.

It is important to know that many affairs are a symptom that something in the relationship is wrong – like a flag. Most lovers will say that they have no intensions of leaving their partners but they do not have the skills to challenge the wrongs that need to be put right so they try to escape by means of an affair.

 

We are rarely told that relationships are transient and changes will naturally occur.  A classic example is having a baby where two become three and this results in a change in the dynamics. New roles and life styles have to be adapted. Depending of the characters of the parents this can have quite dramatic outcomes. More examples are as follows:

Some people take a lover because they fulfil a need which their partner does not;  complimentary relationships.

Often people will say, ‘I love my partner but I am not ‘in love’ any more.

Boredom – lack of excitement in their ‘mundane’ relationship.

An affair can sometimes turn out to be a means of exiting the relationship as a way of avoiding the consequences and guilt of doing so.

Dalliances sometimes help to be more committed to their partner because they are being fulfilled

Some people are addicted to sex and go out looking for more – it is difficult to break that pattern because it is an ‘addiction.’

Some have a real need for attention and validation usually due to childhood neglect or negative adult relationships.

Boredom and taking each other for granted.

Unsatisfactory sexual behaviour or technique

A lack of understanding and empathy particularly around their partner’s pregnancy or parenting

Don’t feel loved or feeling at the bottom of the pecking order

Insecurity – need for affirmation to feel loved

Don’t feel supported

An expression of resentment and anger – revenge!

Control – a need to be in control or a need to control

I love my partner but I am not ‘in love’

Unconsciously fall in love with another ie. work colleague

Sexual fantasy – I want to do ‘unusual’ sexual things but can’t with my partner

Seduced by someone else flirting and giving attention

A drunken ‘misdemeanour ‘

Intimacy issues

Habit

Cultural beliefs

No sexual ethics

Escapism – a distraction

To reclaim some control

Doesn’t love/like partner

 

HOW CAN I TELL THAT MY PARTNER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR?

It is important for me to point out that any of the following, in isolation, need not indicate that someone is having an affair.

Any changes in behaviour or habits

Different clothes or perfume or aftershave

Timetables changing

Gut feelings – instinct

Doesn’t want to have sex any more

Moves out of the shared bed

‘Gas-lighting’ –where behaviour includes actions done to manipulate or gain control over their partner by making them question their sense of reality. The perpetrator will tell their ‘victim’ to stop being crazy or paranoid about their suspicions.

The perpetrator accuses the victim of cheating, this is a way of deflecting from themselves.

Going to the gym

An unusual interest in their partner’s schedule.

Telling lies – Remember, liars have to have good memories so watch out for inaccuracies.

Take more pride in their appearance and personal hygiene including weight loss

Impulsive behaviour like, for example, a problem at work or instigating an argument which results in a hasty retreat

Late home which is unusual behaviour

Changes involving mobile phones;  it suddenly becomes locked; texts at unusual times in the evening; sitting in a position where mobile screen cannot be seen; avoiding answering telephone calls in your presence; keeping phones with them around the home including the bathroom and sometimes keeping mobiles in the car.

Hiding mobile bills or bank statements so that you cannot see the unusual withdrawals.

Excuses to go out alone.

Staying up after partner has gone to bed

An avoidance for future plans eg Holidays.

Lack of intimacy

Lack of interest

Lack of enjoyment with their partner or family.

Being secretive or mysterious

Coldness towards partner and possible the children which usually means they are preparing to leave or tying to justify to themselves why they are having an affair – ‘we don’t get on any more’, thus allowing themselves to continue the affair.

Partner being extra nice or attentive (usually due to guilt or manipulation)

Taking the dog out for more walks than usual or for longer periods.

Tell-tale marks on clothing – lipstick or make-up.

Suspicious marks on the body – usually scratches on the back

Unexplained items or objects appearing – keepsakes or underclothes.

Talking about some individual more than is necessary and calls them ‘just a friend or someone from the office’.

Not much eye contact – guilt usually causes this.

A change in mood –up or down

 

WHICH IS WORSE, A ONE OFF SEXUAL ENCOUNTER OR ONE FALLING IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER?

The answer is very clear – it all depends on the individual’s values.

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FIND OUT THAT YOUR PARTNER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR?

Firstly, check out that it is actually a fact and not just a fear and always double check something you have been ‘told’ as some people just like to stir up trouble.

Get evidence to back up what you are about to accuse your partner of.

Try to keep calm, even though you may want to commit a crime.

Sit down and talk about it and if you believe that you have done nothing to cause your partner to cheat then walk away, otherwise recognise your part in the break down and go for counselling. You will be surprised that the success rate is very high. I work on the basis that if two people love each other; will accept some responsibility for the breakdown; will commit to each other and the counselling process, then there is no reason why it would not work.

If you do want to reconcile your relationship make certain that the affair is over and preferably witness the ‘ending’ conversation.

 

IS IT TRUE THAT HAVING AN AFFAIR NEED NOT END IN SEPARATION WITH YOUR PARTNER

Yes, in some cases it is true but in others it can irretrievably break the relationship.

Sometimes, when a couple’s relationship is failing and one or the other cannot communicate it, an affair may be the result. This can indicate a cry for help, especially if the affair is ‘close to home’. Counselling can help where all of the issues will be identified, explored and worked with. The result can sometimes be a better relationship than ever before.

I have noticed a very obvious pattern when people come to me for counselling, after an affair. If it is the man who has had the affair the woman will, generally, want to know every single detail. I believe that is because she wants to fully understand why it happened; know if she did something wrong and to measure up her competition. Men will complain that his partner goes around and around in circles asking numerous and often the same questions never letting up.  Well, here is a useful tip to you guys, tell her everything and if you do that, she will be able to have an image of the picture and stop the interrogation and if you are fortunate she will start to move on. Don’t hold anything back because she will somehow find out and the lying will be the deal breaker. I describe it as a man giving his partner a jigsaw puzzle in a bag and expecting her to see the picture. Once she has every piece in place she will be able to put it away but not until that last piece is in place. That is not to say that it will resolve the relationship but it will stand a much better change of working if you accommodate her. Men, in general, do not go through this process, in fact they will often say that they do not want to know the facts except for the identity of the third party, how long it’s been going on and is it now over. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule.