Secrets About Sexual Relationships

For partners in a heterosexual relationship but does not exclude others.  Generalisations apply and of course there will be exceptions.

Hormones are not always responsible for a high sexual appetite, in males or females. As a sex therapist my clients will often complain that their sexual appetites differ so much so that it is ruining their relationship. When asked if they are making love or having sex the response is often one of confusion.

Q What’s the difference between having sex and making love.

Talking about appetites, having sex is like snacking on a bag of crisps – tastes good but it takes seconds to eat and easily forgotten – is not at all sustaining. Making love is like having a delicious three-course meal eaten slowly and savouring every bite – it can take most of the evening and is very sustaining.

As a species, humans have sex in order to reproduce, so we are biologically hardwired for this to happen. From a physical standpoint, there does not need to be anything aside from the desire and pleasure in having sex. It is an act which doesn’t even have to involve another person;  a means of self-gratification and a releaser of tension.   It is possible, however, to have meaningful sex with someone even if you are not ‘making love.’  Having sex is often about fulfilling your individual needs and much less about the pleasure of your partner or meeting their needs. While having sex with another person can be about their needs (and SHOULD be), that is not a prerequisite.

Making ‘love’ is as it sounds. Not just a physical act but an emotionally connected, gentle, gradual, considerate sharing of souls and a selfless act of pleasuring another. Love making is always more emotionally fulfilling, bearing in mind that a woman needs her man to be flirty and loving long before love making is attempted.

Lovemaking will usually last a minimum of one hour. Ideally, this process is split between three phases:

1. Foreplay Approx 20mins –Touching, kissing, caressing, murmuring, stroking, exploring intimate places listening to and responding to your partners responses. Telling your partner what works and does not work for you by guiding with your hands. Oral exploration of genitals and genitalia can be satisfying for some but if not talk about  and explore what is and is not ok.
2. Intercourse Approx 20mins – The act of penetration possibly intermingled with foreplay.
3. Apres sex Minimum of 20mins – Lie in each other’s arm and enjoy the intimacy and wallow in the feeling of being thoroughly loved.

There are many reasons why people want to have quick sex:

• Passion
• Convenience
• Avoidance or fear of  intimacy
• Time
• Kids nearby
• Boring
• Don’t enjoy technique.
• Angry with partner
• Spite
• Painful
• Have a lover and don’t want to be ‘unfaithful’ – it didn’t happen.
• Emotionally uninvolved.
• Embarrassment
• Environment
• Don’t want to be caught.
• Not in the mood
• Not in love
• Cannot keep erection
• Fear of hurting partner

A good sexual relationship.

For a couple with no sexual disfunctions it will take up to 40 mins for her to reach orgasm from the start of lovemaking. For a man it can take seconds.

A woman needs the foreplay for her vagina and uterus to prepare for a penis to be inserted. Once a woman begins to be excited, blood will flow to her sexual organs and her vagina will open wider; all intimate parts will engorge with blood and her uterus will lift. This is the very reason why ‘quick’ or ‘dry’ sex can  cause severe and painful, vaginal damage.

For orgasmic women it will take up to 40mins from the start of sexual arousal to orgasm but for a man it can takes seconds.

*Preparation time for penetration  for a male is from 0 secs

*Preparation time for a woman is around 20mins depending on the quality of foreplay and emotions.

Women will withdraw sex for many reasons such as:

• Awaiting the man to initiate.
• Don’t want to do certain acts.
• Do not enjoy the technique.
• Boredom
• Fear of kids hearing
• Experiencing some pain or discomfort.
• Libido is low due to hormonal imbalances.
• The biggest causal factor is because they temporarily feel wounded by their partner and need time to heal and forgive them.
• Men may feel that it is done as a punishment, and this could be true but it isn’t that common. Woman often say I love him but I do not like him at the moment.
• Loss of desire.
• Age

Tips for men 

• Randomly touching (groping) a woman in an intimate place is the biggest TURN OFF ever.
• Most women love affection but will be put off if the result inevitably ends in sex. With your hands on her waist, try giving her a kiss on the neck or a little hug using eye contact then leave it at that. Women usually love romance (not to say that some men don’t) but a small gesture like, picking a flower out of their garden is lovely. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture although a nice surprise weekend away wouldn’t go amiss.
• Remember that a man produces testosterone when they are angry – women do not, despite what the old movies show. So, do not expect any intimacy from your partner after a row or a wounding comment. A woman can take a very long time to heal – not just an hour or a day but it can take weeks. A bunch of flowers or chocolates does not always do it but an apology usually will (if they are at fault).
• A man usually says that everything will be good once they have been intimate with their partner BUT the woman will want conditions to be nice before she can be intimate (that can create a massive problem if neither are willing to resolve it – by communicating).
• Women love cuddles and kisses but most will not initiate it for fear of it leading to sex, in that case the woman should say what she wants.

Tips for women

• Don’t withdraw sex as a punishment or if you do tell them so and why.
• Try to initiate love making now and again.
• If s/he wants sex all the time compromise by saying you will do it if it is slow and  intimate ‘love-making’, that way he might not be asking for it the day after because he will be more satisfied emotionally as well as physically.
• Try to be a partner as well as a parent – men can feel and be neglected.
• Tell your partner how you are feeling and make them understand by being blunt but not hurtful. By their own admission, men don’t usually do shades of grey. So, for example, if you feel controlled in bed, tell him so and explain  what you would like instead.
• If you want a comforting hug but would rather not take it any further, tell him why though otherwise he may just feel rejected.

Hot tips:

• 70% of assumptions are wrong! Check out your assumption.
• Never start a sentence with a ‘YOU’, instead use ‘I’ and that way you are owning your own feelings rather than blaming the other eg: ‘I fee ignored when you turn your back on me….’
• My advice would be to communicate – talk, listen, ask questions and give information. Tell your partner what your understanding is of what they have just said.
• Men can practice Kegel muscle exercises which is the equivalent to a woman doing pelvic floor exercises; you need to do the exercises daily to achieve stronger erections and orgasms. This is a practice that can be done for ever as there are many other benefits.

There is nothing worse than getting into a routine or habit of making love in the dark, in the evening, PJ clad doing the same things repetitively.  Try to be adventurous with your love making as it can soon become monotonous. There are lots of fantasy books on the market so try reading aloud to each other and see if that stirs you. There is a good educational video on Amazon which is basically a lover’s guide. Please, do not watch porn together as it can be a real turn-off because there is a distinct lack of emotion and some techniques are not conducive for a loving relationship. Experiment with new positions.  Try new things and see how you react to them. There are lots of sex toys which can be bought online or in shops. Some people like to play games or dress up. It can be very erotic to act out your fantasies (as long as they are legal). Also, try new venues. Undress each other; this can be very erotic.

Jo Easterbrook 2023 ©